I wonder how to start this new site, so I’m just going to, they say first impressions count but I’ve learnt over the years not to write something or someone off because of first impressions. I decided not to keep my old blogs, not because I’m embarrassed or ashamed of what I wrote but new projects and new directions don’t need to be linked back to old ones. You can spend too much time looking back on what you’ve done, that you forget to focus on what you’re going to do. This is not a do over or a fresh start, it’s just a natural evolution of things, the plan was always there, the delay caused not so much by lack of time but not being in the right frame of mind. It’s okay to move on and leave behind what is not you anymore, it’s okay to change your mind and feelings, you are not obligated or contracted to stick to the same path forever.
I think that the last few years I have not been producing my best work because I have not been my best self, mentally and physically. I got weighed down and focused on the things I thought I should be focusing and working on rather than the things I wanted to be focusing and working on. The world is full of distractions if you’re looking for one. Some of it will be quite different, others not so much. I want to be a better writer, so I need to focus on practicing on that. I need to be less worried about what people will think or how they will react otherwise I will always fall short of myself. I fail myself a lot in that respect.
I’m not even rushing this site, things will be posted and launched when they are ready. I’m done with the false sense of urgency that has been created in regard to running a small business, the urgency to keep up and not fall behind, to get so many posts out, make sure your launches are ready, apologise when things are delayed or not being present. It’s easy to get stuck in a trap of trying to keep up because that is the narrative that’s pushed and sold and if you don’t, you’ll fade into obscurity which is rubbish because you see the opposite happening all the time. And it’s easy to sit on the side-lines and comment about how that is obvious when you’re not the one taking part.
I’m not a highly ambitious person, I don’t want to be the biggest or the best or even the richest, I just want to get by on enough. It might seem weird because when people say they want to grow their business and get bigger, we ask how but when someone says they don’t we ask why. It’s okay to want to stay within your means, it’s okay to not want more, or not to be bigger or not to be the best. I think my ambition was fuelled by trying to prove people wrong, that I could be something, I could be all those things they said I couldn’t do because I wasn’t smart or capable enough, and then you realise it doesn’t matter because they don’t care either way whether you succeed or not, just whether the outcome is of any use to them or not, so a lesson learned the hard way, just do you.
I have spent the summer taking it slowly because I can. I have been observing and exploring my new surroundings. I’ve been thinking about how to incorporate all the things I have observed and learned into my work. I have been taking little videos on my phone to record light and movement and various other things that catch my attention. I’ve been focusing more on my immediate surroundings and taking notice more or changes and how I fit in, how I interact. I’ve been getting out more, the disincentive to go out has gone and replaced, London has so much to offer but sometimes too much choice can be overwhelming but here is different. I’m always observing my environment and how it changes, seasonally, geographically, physically through landscaping and architecture, the weather, climate change, culturally, aesthetically, the ignored, the unwanted, the overlooked. Yes, I am that person who stands in the rain to take a video of a snail on a leaf she just happened to see whilst on her way somewhere. I’m so fascinated by snails, as a keen gardener we’ve always been enemies but recently I have much respect for the little fellas, and am learning a lot from them. I used to worry that I was too slow off the mark or lagging too far behind but the you remember it’s not a race even if people treat it like one. I always say I’m inspired by nature, and on face value that is true but I’ve been exploring that relationship deeper and learning more of they why it’s inspiring rather than the how, which is how I want to use all these elements in my work, both my writing and the things I create.
But I’m in no hurry, at least not anymore.